successful relationships

An interesting DVD. Dr John Gottman explains it in a very understandable manner and quite humourous as well. The magic in having a masterful relationship as compared to disasterous ones, apparently can be viewed as 5:1 ratio. 5 positives to 1 negative. For every negative that happened in a relationship, it will need 5 positives to mend it. Sounds like hardwork, doesn't it? ;)

In the DVD, he said he is not a relationship guru but merely a researcher who has done extensive research by observing 3000 couples over a period of 30 years. He likened that in a relationship, both parties are accumulating points (via positives stuffs) that will be depleted during rough times (negative stuffs). So positives are buffers for negatives.

Dr Gottman has outlined 7 principles (strategies) that will reinforce the positive aspects of a relationship and help marriages endure during the rough moments:


1. Love Maps
- love map is defined as the place in your brain where you store information pertaining to your partner. This is crucial in really knowing your partner, their dreams, hopes, interests, and maintaining his interest throughout the relationship. Who wouldn't like if their partner showed genuine interest in their daily stuffs?

2. Nurture Fondness and Admiration
- positive view about your spouse, respecting and appreciating their differences
If we admire our partner, just praise him/her appropriately. Why not?

3. Turn towards Each Other Instead of Away
- be aware of bids in relationship where your partner is trying to gain your attention/affection
- acknowledge and respond positively towards your partner
His example, is something like if your partner calls out to you while you're doing something else... the least we can do, is to respond in some manner. Some do it enthusiastically while others less enthu. But the worse that one can do, is to turn away. Your partner will unlikely bid for your affection again after that.

4. Let Your Partner Influence You
- woman are already quite acceptable towards influence from their partner
- if the man can allow himself to accept his partner's influence then the relationship can progress into deeper levels due to the close connection felt by both
How come the man so special? I don't know, that's what his research showed.. *LOL*

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems. It is important to compromise on issues that can be resolved which Gottman believes can be accomplished by these five steps:
a. Soften your startup
b. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
c. Soothe yourself and each other
d. Compromise
e. Be tolerant of each other’s faults. Masters can live with small irritable faults of their partner!

6. Overcome Gridlock
- The big issues that cannot be resolved because both partners’ views are so fundamentally different involves understanding of the other person and deep communication. The goal is to at least get to a position that allows the other person to empathize with the partners view even if a compromise cannot be reached.

7. Create Shared Meaning
- Create a shared value system that continually connects the partners through rituals/traditions, shared roles and symbols. Share your life dreams, together...


REMEMBER: Never say anything like "What's the matter with you?" to your partner!

Also, if our heart rate goes above 100bps, then we're less likely be able to reason well and say anything positively.. so, please take a break until our heart rate is normal again before resuming the prior 'discussion' (or in this case disagreement). We might find humor once again :)

-- source, DVD and wikipedia